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Secret Bank Accounts Will End Your Marriage…JK
The “should married couples have separate bank accounts” debate is old news, especially since Oprah keeps revisiting it in her Debt Diet series. Here’s a new twist though – should the separate accounts also be secret ones? That’s the topic The Detroit Free Press took on in this article (it first appeared in The Arizona Republic).
I should be the last person to post this since I am the only one on the editorial staff here who is not married (not counting our super-intern, Mary, who is still in college). But, even the headline, “Couples Agree to Love, Honor, and Hide Money”—as if hiding money somehow goes against you loving and honoring your partner—sort of struck a chord. Is it not possible for couples to love, honor, and have certain things they don’t tell each other?
Just because two people decide to share their lives doesn’t mean they have to share everything else, like email addresses for instance. You can be a “we” without having too many “ours.”
I totally get the whole we-must-have-honesty-so-we–can-have-trust thing. But, is it so wrong for me to have my own money stash and not tell my husband how much I have piled away? People have different spending habits and I know that I won’t be able to merge mine with anyone else’s.
I realize that things get complicated when you factor kids in or a stay-at-home parent. But it seems okay, healthy even, to not only have a “secret account” as the article dubs it, but also to not have to forward your balance statements to your significant other to develop “trust.”
Like I said, this rant is not supported by any real life experience, so if any of you actually know what you’re talking about, please chime in.
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Yes, this is true, but after being married for a while, two things happen (or at least it did for us). One, you end up getting yet another set of bank statements that you have to keep track of - between my statements, my wife’s and our company’s, this got to be a bit of a pain. And, once you’ve been married a while, and start acquiring stuff together, (house, cars, etc), the separate bank account thing became moot. I like to think it was just the first of a series of difficult decisions we made together that reflect our relationship. Having said that, I know every couple handles this differently, as money is one of those very personal/difficult things for everyone. You have to come up with something that you are both comfortable living with.
Call me naieve or idealistic (I’m a newlywed of 6 weeks), but I can’t imagine having a “secret” bank account - and especially can’t fathom keeping the total dollar amount in it hidden.
Don’t get me wrong - my new spouse and I have had long discussions about our finances, and have emphatically decided to keep our own independent accounts (in addition to creating a joint one). However, keeping financial secrets of any kind seems like a red flag and a slippery slope. Especially since most research says couples break up over 2 major issues - sex and money - I’m erring on the side of over-disclosing on this one.
Your example of email accounts is an interesting one. While we certainly still have our own, we do have passwords and access to each others’. Do I read his email? Of course not. However, I have the option to - and therefore don’t feel like he’s keeping any secrets from me.
Once you get married, I’d think couples would start developing joint financial goals - we have -such as home ownership, financing kids college educations, retirement, etc. Being secret about one half of the picture smacks a little bit of duplicitousness to me - as if you’re squirrelling away cash for your big getaway.
Just my 2 cents.
I am 64, and have always had not only a secret bank account but keep hidden stashes of cash in the house. It is my security blanket. From time to time I have used this money to buy something for myself, or for one of the kids without having to have some big discussion about it. I have always believed that women are one man away from welfare, and I don’t intend to be one of them.
I would NEVER give up my secret bank account.
