Money doesn't actually talk. We do.

Weekwrap: The Most Insane Identity Theft Week Ever

French author Colette mused decades ago that January was “the month of empty pockets.” She must have known that this seemingly normal week during the dawn of 2008 would be packed with bizarre identity thievery like no other.

In New York City, two elderly men tried to take a friend in to cash a $355 Social-Security check. Doesn’t sound like identity theft, except for the fact that the friend was dead. They clothed the corpse, strapped him to an office chair and wheeled him to the nearest check-cashing store, only to be caught by a New York detective who happened to be sitting down for some grub at Empanada Mama next door. Too bad they didn’t make it to the beach house.

Another duo, this time mother and daughter, got busted for using their jobs as a Realtor and bank vice president to steal personal information, open new accounts and go on shopping sprees at the local Sears. There are over 25 victims and the number is expected to rise.

Speaking of victims, Barclays Chairman Marcus Agius lost £10,000 ($19,560) from, yes, his Barclays card after an ID thief opened a new account in his name and went on a bloody crazy fraudfest. Bummer.

Also in Britain, TV host Jeremey Clarkson experienced some bad personal-finance karma. After he said that the loss of 25 million people’s personal information wasn’t a big deal, he opened his bank statement to find a new account had been opened in his name. Double bummer.

And it gets much worse. In Washington State, cops charged Andrew Kowalczyk, an Oregon fugitive, with multiple counts of identity theft, only to find that he had “hard-core child pornography” in his possession. Click on the story link carefully; his mugshot might give you nightmares.

But you can’t necessarily trust the other side of the law either. Five employees at the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration were using their licensing-issuing powers for worse by making and selling fake state driver’s liceneses for cash. If convicted, each person could receive a maximum of 15 years in prison. Your bank teller might also be cause for worry. But if you have no idea who did it, bust out the “inside job” conspiracy theories.

From the lobbying nightmare department comes the news that credit-reporting agency Equifax spent $140,000 on identity-theft lobbying in $140,000. If they’ve got that much money, you’d think they’d make it easier to order your credit score.

Phew! Have a great weekend and don’t be afraid to chill out.

-Mary Pilon

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